(photo credit: Motivation by fear by Frits Ahlefeldt-Laurvig on flickr.com. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/legalcode)
Some days, I dive into my life with gusto. I consider all the projects before me, choose the one that excites me most and take the next steps, whether it is planning or writing or organizing or researching. Time passes quickly because I am engaged and excited about my work and my future. On those days, I eat well and exercise and reach out to others and take care of household business as well as work on at least one, if not several, projects.
Then there are the days where I just can’t seem to get into gear. I still have the same projects to do and I am still excited at the prospect of doing them, but instead, I do everything in my power to sabotage myself. I start with all of my prime avoidance behaviors, mostly online time wasters, and I don’t take particularly good care of myself. Then I beat myself up about it. Then I beat myself up about beating myself up about it. Then I find whatever chocolate is hidden in our house, usually chocolate chips, and eat several bowls worth. Tiny bowls. But they add up.
Even though I know what causes these “bad” days, I can’t seem to pull myself out of them when they occur.
The ugly monster under my bed? It’s me. It’s my projects. It’s my ambition. It’s my excitement about the future.
Why do these things frighten me? I’m not really sure.
It could have something to do with fear of failure or fear of success, but I don’t think so.
Maybe it’s the part of me leftover from times when I lacked confidence in my abilities. If that’s the case, it should be easy to let that go.
But it’s not.
My solution is to start my days expecting it to be one of the good ones.
Often I’m able to make the good happen. On the days I’m not able, I try to be kind to myself.
So far, I’m not so good at that.
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